Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
