On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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