fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
