Define "chronic" masturbator.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
