my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
