Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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