The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
