U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
