I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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