He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
