It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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