if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
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