theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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