he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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