Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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