If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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