You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
