Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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