just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
