if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
