I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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