I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
