i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
