God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
