Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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