you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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