Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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