when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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