I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
