Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
