I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
