i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
