nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
