You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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