i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Do you remember whose house we're in?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
