I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
