my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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