Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
