Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
