Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
