will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Randomize
