i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
