Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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