He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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