my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
