My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
