I'm eating all of the evidence.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
