1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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