y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
