wrigley field is MILF paradise
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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