why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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