Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
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