I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
