I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
