Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
